Crush & Feel
by Jonathan Pessant
There’s a technique
in loving someone you know
you’ll be divorced from some day
Clear-cut
much like a deployment
a leaving behind
a kiss every 6 months
moonlight in the morning
grasping for you
the way a mason does
out of repetition
faithful to the process
Prison bricks witness a technique too
At the USDB there’s a way to crush and feel
along the blunt creases of an inmate’s uniform
a way in which fingers bend muscle
the way knuckles graze the groin
a way a hand passes over another’s heart
too fast to feel what needs to be felt
almost as if it wasn’t really there
When you left me
on a scorching day in June
you laughed
This heat’ll get me ready for Afghanistan…
will you miss me?
I winced
as your hands pressed into my back,
last night last lovemaking
goodbye-remember me fingernail marks
I remember the technique of gone,
the tongue twisting tiny truths like bricks,
my teeth chewing them down
enough to turn any oasis to desert
He stands in front of me
honest, naked, feet rooted
on the cold concrete
of the inmate bathroom
He hands me his shirt, his pants
His clothes still smell like perfume
Visitation’s over and we must
follow procedure
We must crush and feel;
He kisses his wife, his girlfriend
every weekend, every afternoon
he inhales her breath
he presses the flesh
of his hands into the flesh
of her back, waits
He crushes time
like I can’t
I hear a whisper:
Do you know what your wife’s been up to over there…
You hear the same whisper:
You’ve been gone so long he’s practically a bachelor again…
Gone-ness is
equal measures
snail mail love letters
and slammed landlines
Deployment distance
is a real excuse
for two islands tempted
every night
Today, far away
from any walls
I keep
having dreams of our Fort Leavenworth house
mowing the front lawn
edging the edge of the boundary
of the cement sidewalk
and the earth
where your bare foot
touched my bare foot
“‘Crush & Feel’ is a poem about my time as a Corrections NCO in the United States Disciplinary Barracks at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. It explores what it was like to be married to another soldier who had multiple deployments, and its effect on our marriage.” —Jonathan Pessant
Jonathan Pessant is a Maine poet. He is a veteran and a graduate of the Stonecoast MFA program.