Really Close

Ron Capps

Yeah.
I keep the kitchen knives sharp
Crazy sharp, you know?
You could shave
really close
with the boning knife

I get a haircut 
even when I don’t 
need it sometimes
because I like 
the way the razor feels
on the back of my neck

It’s just to feel something sharp
and dangerous because there
is nothing sharp 
or dangerous
in my life anymore

No.
Nothing remotely dangerous
Just the everyday
Just the commonplace
Dull, dull, dull

Once, there, before I knew 
how much my body would 
ache for adrenaline
rushes, I said 
I wanted dull life

I wanted to be home
with the dogs and my wife 
and a book, 
maybe some music 
on the radio. No TV, 
surely not a 
movie theater

Here, now, it’s all so vanilla.
The cars on the freeway
The cable bill
The deaf dog across 
the street endlessly barking
at nothing

So I leave the kitchen,
get a haircut, and then go stand
at the edge of the subway
platform. Close to the edge. 
Really close.

---

Ron Capps served in the Army and was a Foreign Service officer. His memoir of service, Seriously Not All Right: Five Wars in Ten Years, was published in 2014. He lives in Maine. 

About this poem, Capps writes, “The Afterwar is a weird place. In theater, your every move or act is consequential. At home, not so much. This drives some returning combat veterans to risky behavior: driving too fast or drinking too much, or both. For me, just being a little on the edge of something helps.”