Mateo Perez Lara
Odio
My shame is excess // infiltrates my dreams
shame pictures a body, which morphs constantly.
What had shame witnessed: a misfit queer
spicing up rooms, a doomed
repeat offender of pronouncing words incorrectly in
their vacuum of assimilated-Mexican
Spanish, their fumes lilting
over a river scourging brown but
beautiful dirt & pebbles covering their feet
calloused // bloody inking their journey
must have been all this smoke from
nearby wildfires choking, like all my ex-lovers
who undo my electric whirring spark, they set
traps of love, here I come, trying
my best to be better than what they
expect, them wanting so much out of me, I swear
if I say this word wrong, they will
tear me apart.
Queer Colic
for cory
Pull back, let me see, envelop me, Pull
me back, pull me in, let me sleep. Let
me. Pull me back, pull me in, let me see,
let me, pull me into you, pull me clearly
through this disturbing entry, smile a
little if you can, pull me in, pull it back,
reveal secrets about where you lived,
how long, point to when it changed, how
often, pull me in, let me see, pull me in
with you, please, I’m near, yet I couldn’t
sleep without you retelling me there is
hope, pull me in, remind me, there is a
small chance, pull back, let me in, let me.
Blasphema
can you remember that steel toothpick
how it crushed the bone of your beloved.
________________________________________
his brown hand touched you one last time
his voice crinkled, a humming AC.
________________________________________
you wish violence was wind
you wish violence was rain
________________________________________
it comes with fists
as gun, as hand-cuffs, as knife
as cages, rage, deceit
you let the violence come, its monster is coming.
________________________________________
I was 23 when I went to jail. I was drinking too much
then I was called faggot, hurt by white-hands
they called me embarrassing for crying // throwing up
when they hand-cuffed me, they let the white man go
who punched me, who lunged.
________________________________________
these memories remain in these ghost-lands
our names known, then forgotten
all together with bricks // stones,
we build their harm in a temple of throes
of our patience, how horrible, does God know
that blasphemous tongue that licks the blood
after it touches us, then everything?
On “Odio”: “The word means ‘hate’ in English. Many of my family members were in the service, are currently in military service. They find, as religious and masculine entities, LGBTQ+ concerns very demoralizing and shameful to the family. Yet, shame becomes a way to process and fight against those perspectives. Shame becomes bravery, even after lovers, (who have also been in military service and are in the closet), disappear, one fights against the violence anyway.”
On “Queer Colic”: “A beautiful friend of mine is a military brat. I met him briefly and wanted to know him more. I can tell there is a lot that he keeps inside, this was a spell, a way to, if I could see him again, enact a way to open him up after memories or be one to listen to someone you love and admire.”
On “Blasphema”: “This is an examination on violence I have witness and been told about. The way violence after someone comes back from their occupations or service, how it reverberates toward others. How I have met people who have served that drink to take away some memory but in that action have become violence and angry. It is a way to unpack that from what I’ve seen, what I’ve been through because of someone’s past.” —Mateo Perez Lara
Mateo Perez Lara (they/them/theirs) is a queer, non-binary, Latinx poet from California. They have a pamphlet of poems, Glitter Gods, showcased with Thirty West Publishing House. They have an MFA in Poetry from Randolph College. Their poems have been published in EOAGH, The Maine Review, The Acentos Review, and elsewhere.